From Delaware's Out & About Magazine
Vol. 17, No. 10 -- December 2004

For the Kids
The Importance of Ritual

by Margo McDonough

 

Like many families, my brood of four spends too little time together and too much time engaged in individual pursuits: ballet, basketball, Scouts, swim lessons, and in the case of the teenager, a part-time job. Family dinners, with all six of us around the dinner table, happen less often. As we've become busier, we've abandoned many of the little rituals and traditions unique to our family -- Dad's pancakes on Sunday morning, Friday night at our favorite restaurant, a round of UNO or another card game before bedtime.

So when I heard about "Take Back Your Time Day," held Oct. 24, I eagerly blocked off the entire day as a chance to build a new family tradition. Sponsored by the Center for Religion, Ethics and Social Policy at Cornell University, "Take Back Your Time Day" is designed to draw attention to overwork, over-scheduling and other factors that threaten family relationships. To participate, all you have to do is spend time with the ones you love.

Family Day

An entire Sunday together as a family -- what could be better? We all wrote down what we wanted to do -- Dad's pancakes of course, browsing at Borders, having a catch in the yard, and carving a pumpkin. But by the time we left the bookstore that Sunday morning, I could sense our family day was fast unraveling. The 4-year-old was whiny and the teenager was tired. It was blustery and cold and nobody wanted to venture outside to have a catch. We decided to go bowling instead, but the hypercompetitive 8- and 10-year-olds ruined it by their zealous attention to the score sheet. My attempt to create a new family tradition had bombed. Should I even bother to try again some other day?

"Absolutely," says Dr. Steve Eichel, a Newark-based psychologist who specializes in family and child/adolescent issues. "Traditions and rituals are very important to children. When I'm working with families in conflict, I often 'prescribe' a day spent together. The day may not go perfectly; the kids may moan and groan, but you need to do it anyway."

Family rituals and traditions can be as simple as a weekly Friday pizza night or as elaborate as the once-a-year "Feast of the Seven Fishes" served in Italian homes on Christmas Eve. But the size or grandeur of the ritual doesn't matter -- it's the continuity and stability it brings that benefits children.

"Taking part in rituals gives kids a sense of belonging," says Eichel. "Rituals serve as an anchor to something beyond the child's immediate experience."

And it's never too soon to start. "At a very young age, children may not cognitively understand the reason behind traditions and rituals, but it's vital for even little kids to see these activities taking place," he says.

That's a message that hasn't been lost on Megan Staats, of North Wilmington, who is the mother of a baby and a toddler. After daughter Olivia was born last summer, Staats began looking for ways to have one-on-one time with her son, Griffin. Thus was born a new tradition of a Sunday morning trek to Dunkin Donuts by mother and son. Staats' husband, Steve, stays behind with the baby, giving Griffin a time each week that's just for him.

In the warm months, the whole family thrives on beach-related traditions. If it's a sunny and warm weekend, you'll find the Staats in Fenwick Island, hunting for shells on the beach, followed by a visit to their favorite ice cream shop. And the holidays mean a big Christmas Eve dinner with Steve's parents and Megan's extended family.

A Spirited Approach

Although Kim Williams' children are young, she also has instituted family rituals, many of which reinforce her religious beliefs. Her Middletown family always says grace before dinner and prayers before bed. After Sunday church services, they head to Chesapeake City, Md., for breakfast and a stroll around the waterfront. Her 2-year-old daughter, Lyndsie, 7-year-old son, Clayton, and husband, Jeff, know that Friday night is the time for pizza and a movie together. For Christmas, each family member buys a new ornament for the tree.

Kathy Atkinson and her family also have adopted the annual ritual of picking out new Christmas ornaments. In her case, it's a way to bring together "his, mine and our" children into a family unit.

Atkinson, of Clayton, is the mother of 14-year-old Lauren Tulloch. When she married her husband, Jason, two years ago, she became the stepmother of 7-year-old Hunter. And, 15 months ago, the Atkinsons became parents to baby Hayden. But Atkinson avoids labels like "stepparent" and "half-sister" and has tried to create a feeling of family unity.

Before the baby was born, Saturdays were "Slumber Saturdays" -- a family slumber party with popcorn and movies, followed by snoozing on the living room floor. The baby's arrival made it tough to continue this tradition (sleep has become more precious), but the Atkinsons now have a Sunday morning ritual of homemade chocolate chip pancakes

The older children's visitation schedules with their other parents calls for flexibility and creativity on everyone's part, especially during holidays. If one child is getting picked up by the other parent at noon on Christmas day, then the Atkinsons celebrate the holiday in the morning. And special activities like trimming the tree don't happen if all the children aren't there to enjoy it.

That Holiday Feeling

Christmas has a special place in Ann Manser's heart, especially Christmas day 1994. That's when she and her husband, John, brought their adopted baby daughter, Laura, home from China. With Laura came another special day for the family: the Chinese New Year.

"I want Laura to understand and appreciate her cultural background," says Manser, of Newport. "And the Chinese New Year is a fun way to do that."

Ever since Laura started school, the Mansers have hosted a party in Laura's classroom to celebrate. They send in red envelopes that contain cards featuring the zodiac animal that marks the New Year. Fortune cookies and juice are mainstays of the menu.

"One year I made homemade moon cakes, which are made out of fermented bean curd," recalls Manser. "I thought they turned out pretty good, but Laura and her friend sampled them and decided we should go out and buy American-style snacks."

As Laura gets older, the Manser tradition of celebrating Chinese New Year may evolve from a classroom party to a family dinner at a Chinese restaurant. And that's OK, according to Eichel. "Don't pressure teens to take part in family rituals that no longer interest them," says the psychologist. "Try to find new rituals that appeal to their interests and tastes. However, it's also important not to abandon family traditions because the teen won't take part. The rest of the family should continue with those rituals that are meaningful to them."

Pike Creek resident Sue DeNardo, the mother of a 20-year-old and 18-year-old, discovered that family rituals became harder to maintain as her children moved into their teen years. Sunday dinner is the tradition she works hard to preserve.

"As my children have become more involved in their own lives, even maintaining a once-a-week dinner has become increasingly difficult," says DeNardo. "But it remains an important time for us to get together as a family, so we do it as much as we possibly can."

And every year, without fail, all of the DeNardos head out for a walk together after Thanksgiving dinner. "It's a really peaceful time," says DeNardo, "and a chance for us to absorb the importance of being together and appreciate what we have."

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